for grandma

I have been missing my grandma a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because of the wedding or what, but she has definitely been on my mind and on my heart. Last night was particularly rough. MRudd and I were curled up in bed, watching Mormon messages to wind down before going to sleep. We were watching this video when I lost every ounce of grief and heartbreak I've been bottling up the past couple months. While not our case exactly, this story and my grandma's story have a few similarities, which explains why it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I felt extremely raw, and very small and alone. I knew that I should be happy for my grandma; she was dealing with countless trials when she was killed, and she is now free from those and somewhere beautiful. But in that moment, I decided that it was okay to cry. It was okay to feel grief and heartache and loss and  sadness and pain. Those feelings are real, and they are deep, and they need to be felt. I prayed silently for comfort, for faith, and for peace. It was late, and I was physically and mentally exhausted. Then the thought came to ask Michael Rudd for a blessing. He, of course, did not hesitate. In the blessing, he said that angels were watching over me. Soon after my grandma was killed, I received a blessing from my stepdad. That blessing specifically told me that my grandma was to be my guardian angel.  For this reason, I believe the blessing my husband gave me last night was a reminder that she's here, that she's with me, and that she loves me still the same.

Today would have been my grandma's 64th birthday. After work, Michael Rudd and I visited her grave and took her some new flowers. Yellow roses, her favorite. We came home and made chicken and dumplings, one of her specialties, for dinner, and then took out my remembrance box and just remembered. It is my hope that by being involved in the memory of my grandma while her passing is so fresh on my mind and so heavy on my heart, that my pain and weakness, my grief and heartache, will slowly become a strength and a firmer testimony of what's in store.

I am so grateful for the plan of salvation, for the knowledge that I have that someday I will see my sweet grandma again. I am so grateful for the power of the priesthood, for a husband who worthily holds and willingly exercises it. I am grateful for the moments of despair and utter sadness, because without them I would not fully understand the joy. Most of all, I am grateful for a loving God who understands our trials and our heartaches, who listens anytime we call.